Wednesday, July 30, 2008

How does this man still have a job?

Corey Patterson may be the worst player in the Major Leagues. Last night the announcers actually debated whether he was capable of getting a hit in any other way besides bunting. Despite being of no value beyond a late inning defensive replacement, Patterson (who can't even pinch run effectively because he's been caught stealing 33% of the time) LED OFF for the Reds. Wait...

He led off?

After last night's 0-4, HIS ON BASE % IS .216. For the more conventionally minded...HE IS HITTING .183 AND IT'S JULY. If ever in the history of the world there was a player who should hit 9th, it is Corey Patterson. Arroyo was the pitcher last night. He had two hits in his last game. Patterson hasn't had 2 hits in a game since May and did only five times this year.

Why does he still have a job? The rumor is that he has compromising photos of Dusty Baker. We at have obtained one such photo, and in the interest of freeing Dusty from the clutches of this batless blackmailer will publish it now:

Photo not actually Dusty Baker. Midget is actually a terrier.
Yes, it's true. Dusty has a thing for midgets. Afraid for his reputation (why, I'm not sure), Dusty wanted to hide his monstrous predilection from the world. This has opened the door for Corey Patterson to use his leverage over Dusty to continue to occupy a major league roster despite no actual playing ability.
You are free now, Dusty! No judgement here. Continue to delight in what makes you happy...AND CUT COREY PATTERSON!


zac said...


I never thought a player could make me feel happy that we have Cesar Izturis, but this does just that. Amazing.

Sad turn on the Quinn Pitcock news though, can't help but think he is going to really regret this pretty soon. Not a good career move

Ian said...

Corey Patterson is my most hated Cub of all time (how many times can one person strike out swinging on a high fastball!!!) and I love that he's now wreaking havoc on other NL Central teams.

He's the Gilbert Gardner of the MLB. High draft pick who gets unlimited chances because he LOOKS like he should be a good player.

Shake'n'bake said...

Patterson is awful.
Zambrano, a pitcher (though one of the best hitting ones) has an OBP that's 143 points higher and he hasn't taken a single walk. Jason Marquis has a higher OBP than Patterson and Ted Lilly has a higher average.
3 of the Cubs pitchers are hitting better or as good as the guy Dusty is sticking in the leadoff spot. Maybe that's why you're 13.5 games out.

oh and while were on the subject of baseball, .270/.364/.546

Deshawn Zombie said...

The Gilbert Gardner of baseball...classic. I just watched the Colts Broncos from 06 last night. Gardner may be as bad at football as Manning is good at it.

zac said...

That stat line is blasphemy!!!!

HeatherRadish said...

Corey Patterson may be the worst player in the Major Leagues.

Two days ago I would have said "No, Rickie Weeks" but today I can't narrow it down to one.