Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Empty Sea of Blackness

I miss you football. I miss you so. . . much.

I started getting really bored tonight because my wife was forcing me to watch American Idol. Usually right now I'd be looking for articles about the Colts while watching the NFL Network. But that's all over. I canceled my subscription to the NFL Network. I can't even listen to sports talk radio. The only time I think about the Colts is when someone carelessly mentions the Chargers game to me in passing. My own mom kindly explained today that sometimes Peyton just has off days. "He threw for 400 yards! Did you even watch the game?" Sort of. She didn't watch the first half.

Every now and then I'll click on ESPN.com and take a quick look at the latest stories. The stories are strange and unfamiliar. I feel so out of the loop. Randy Moss beat up some chick? What? I should be all over this. This was supposed to be THE WEEK. Instead I'm forced to watch a bunch of freaks who can't sing. My beautiful wife claims that I'm just getting a taste of what I put her through for five months. Now I know why some people drink.

32 comments:

Bob M. said...

DS, I'm doing the same thing on-line, website to website. "Oh, let's see what's up here... nah, no good. How about here? nothing..."
Take a deep breath and pick up a book--something utterly devoid of football related content, with nobody in it from either San Diego or Boston. Maybe a baseball book? Civil War? Currently I am re-reading Cryptonomicon, a 1,200 pager by Neal Stephenson. What brings a guy working 10-12 hours a day with 3 little kids to read a super fat book until 3 a.m. some days? It's real good and real funny. It combines elements of a WW2 espionage adventure, a late 90's high-tech/hi-finance caper, and a treasure hunt undersea and in the Philipine jungles. Multiple generations of a couple families from each of the eras are involved. Complicated enough to make you forget football for a while. And a really good read.
Will you watch the games this weekend? I'll probably catch 1/3 to 1/2 of the action. Remember, the Colts are in good shape for 08. This is NOT the week after the 2005 season when we had no idea what was in store (or, more accurately, I know I thought "everything was perfectly set up for us this year, Home Field throughout, the D finally came together and the SB was in a dome, and then we fell apart. Should I give up on football?" Glad I didn't.
Chin up.

PatsRule said...

"Randy Moss beat up some chick?"
When was he convicted or even charged with doing that? I must have missed it.

Deshawn Zombie said...

You people really can't take any kind of joke can you? Do you really have to be that defensive about everything? We covered this in the comments section on yesterday's post.

Learn the difference between humor and serious commentary.

Unless somehow you really did miss it, in which case, I apologize:
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3199471&campaign=rss&source=NFLHeadlines

colts girl said...

I missed it, too. I haven't been up on much football since Sunday. *sigh*

I will say, though, that your post was hilarious. My husband and I read it last night after watching American Idol ourselves. I've directed high school musicals, so I've seen my share of weird/bad auditions first-hand, but these people take the cake. It's entertainment of some sort, but not much of a replacement for football.

And DS, I thought your wife's blog entry was pretty funny, too. Nice photo, man.

Deshawn Zombie said...

You have no idea how much it disturbs him to know that there are people out there who actually know who he is. Bet you he goes home and yells at her for posting that! (Just kidding. Demond never yells at anyone...HA)

For most of you out there who don't know Demond personally, he'd prefer to keep it that way (Sorry!). For those that do, check out his wife's blog. It's worth the trip.

PatsRule said...

"You people really can't take any kind of joke can you"
I always appreciate a good joke, but I just don't see the humor in:
A) Domestic violence (What's so funny about a guy who "beat up some chick"?)
B) Convicting someone of a crime they haven't even been charged with.
Sorry if I didn't get the "joke."

Deshawn Zombie said...

The joke is that it probably didn't happen. It seems likely that he's getting screwed over, though I wouldn't put anything past him. THERE PROBABLY WAS NO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE, therefore, it's funny. We covered this yesterday. Would you have laughed if he had written "Randy Moss alledgedly beat up some chick"? What are you his lawyer or best bud or something? You're going to act like WE are the ones defaming his spotless good name?

Seriously, you Pats fans are like a bunch of 14-year old Punt, pass and kick contestants. Oh wait...she had a sense of humor. Never mind. You aren't even up to the standards of 14 year old punt pass and kick contestants.

How could one team breed fans as crass as our buddy JC and as thin skinned and sensitive as you?

Deshawn Zombie said...

If you don't like our style, don't read us. The only reason to read 18to88 is if you find us entertaining or funny or in someway enlightening. If you just want to get your panties in a bunch over every joke we make or everytime we rip the Pats for something, save yourself the headache and read the freaking Boston Globe.

PatsRule said...

"How could one team breed fans as crass as our buddy JC and as thin skinned and sensitive as you?"
The greatness of the Pats has made our standards higher — maybe even spoiled us. Therefore, we no longer see the value in mediocrities like yourself.
We also feel a need to point this out to you, because we want others to raise their standards, too.
Again, write something funny and I'll laugh.

Deshawn Zombie said...

I think you're in the minorty here, man. The post was hilarious. I wish I had written it. The line was funny. Get over yourself.

The problem is you are feeling insecure. You need to lash out and defend your guy. Moss is in trouble. The forecast is for 20-30 MPH wind on Sunday. It all might slip away!!!! Look, it's not our fault your team traded for Randy Moss who is managing to be a huge distraction on the eve of a big game. You get what you pay for. He's unstoppable on the field and a magnet for trouble off it. You get what you pay for. I think all Pats fans are just a little scared that they sold their soul for this guy and now the Devil wants his due. Take your angst somewhere else. We're all full up here.

Deshawn Zombie said...

I should clarify something...I was using a sarcastic tone in that last post. Since some people are too stupid to identify humorous components like sarcasm, hyperbole, and irony, I figured I'd better explain.

zac said...

There is no doubt about that, the greatness of the Patriots have raised the standards of jackassery from fans who have absolutely nothing to do with the success of the players on the field.

I cannot understand this, when the Colts won the SB, I didn't go on opposing fan sits and start crowing about the team's success like I won. Yet tons of fans come here and trash our team like they are somehow better, when all they do is cheer like everyone else.

All you Pats fan are acting like you made the tackle or the throw that won a huge game for the Pats when you contribute nothing to their success. I get why Tom Brady can be a prick because of his great success in playing football at a high level and winning. I get the Pats team being arrogant because, let's face it, no team has been better than they have been over the last 7 years.

However, I don't get why fans have that same arrogance. How pathetic does a person have to be when they become insufferable because of the success of men they do not know? You guys are arrogant because of the actions of others. That is so incredibly stupid it boggles my mind.

Good luck playing the Chargers, patsrule.

PatsRule said...

"the Devil wants his due."
I'm an atheist who doesn't believe in heaven, hell, or karma for that matter. So no, I'm not worried. This isn't a distraction, it's a motivator. Randy will be better than ever on Sunday — now he has one more chip on his shoulder. I think the accuser is on Bill Belichick's payroll.

"The problem is you are feeling insecure."
If you knew what "insecure" meant, you wouldn't be directing it at a Patriots fan. Kinda hard to be feeling "angst" when your team is 17-0 and going up against a banged-up Chargers squad which the healthy Pats already decimated this year.

PatsRule said...

Jeez, you guys are touchy! Can't you take a joke?

zac said...

He's an atheist, so he's reasonable.

Deshawn Zombie said...

See, now that's funny, Patsrule.

zac said...

Randy Moss eats babies.

zac said...

Randy Moss alledgedly eats babies.

/fixed

PatsRules said...

"Randy Moss eats babies."
That was a joke, right? OK, I get it.

Deshawn Zombie said...

Zac! I didn't know you were on Belichick's payroll! Stop motivating Randy Moss!

zac said...

We are motivating the hell out of Randy Moss. I never thought I would hear the name Randy Moss and any form of the word, "motivation" in the same sentence unless it was accompanied by some words like "lacking," "non-existent," "loss of," etc. Thank God Brady got a hold of him, or Moss would be completely screwed.

Just one look into the eyes of Tom Brady inspires the masses. The dude wakes up and literally craps leadership. He does it in an unflappable way. Tom Brady is never flapped. Ever.

I feel like I am writing about David Eckstein or Derek Jeter and how they "just win." Apparently I am now qualified to be an East Coast journalist.

Bob M. said...

zac,
Very well said. Not quite right to lump 'em all together, however. It is a different breed, though: I've seen BoSox fans go into Yankee Stadium just asking for it, outnumbered probably 100:1 during an ordinary mid-season game, mouth running, making threats, etc. And I have seen some go down the escalators at the end of the night, blood streaming down their faces. (hint: never get into a fight with someone higher than you on an escalator--basic physics.) I guess it was worth it to them.
When I took my 4 and 6 year-olds to their first MLB game it was Sox vs Mariners in Seattle. Two rows in front of us--a couple drunk Sox fans, surrounded by a cadre of other Sox fans who were clearly mortified. To their credit, they were mid-20s and knew their "job" was to be obnoxious, without going over the line. When I instructed my boys on what a drunk was, the guys raised their arms and cheered themselves, wholly unoffended. Like they were playing the role of obnoxious Boston sports fan.
When some M's fans started retaliating with threats and profanity the drunks turned on a dime and pointed out my kids and reminded the hometown guys that there were women and children present. Annoying, and they risked their necks, but at least they knew where to stop. But why go that far in the first place?
Oh yeah, inherent, smug superiority. If they're all so superior, don'tcha think we could just make MASS a maximum security enclosure so they could be superior together and the rest of us don't have to deal with them? I call it a win-win situation.
And in case anyone is wondering, NO, I am not being sarcastic or funny. I would really like to see that happen. I can live without the Berkshires or Cape Cod, even the Boston MFA, but I guess I am being guilty of lumping them all together, just like I cautioned against. Damn.

zac said...

@bob m

I am using my incredibly broad stroke paintbrush today. I really want to boo a 14 year old Pats fan punt pass and kick champion, but in absence of that, this forum will do.

Bob M. said...

Damn, zac, we overlapped. You are fully qualified to be a sports journalist anywhere, and especially ESPN.com Page 2 with the crapping leadership bit. LMFAO.
Come up with a pseudo-scientific grid of leadership crapping, flap resistance, cleft-chin-handsomeness, and call it One Brady Leadership Unit Equivalent. Then grade each player each week on his attempts to achieve a BLUE. Plus plenty of pun potential--BLUE and red (Pats) BLUE and gold (Navy, Notre Dame), he BLUE it, BLUE up that play. Then, the piece de resistance would be giving Brady 2 BLUEs one week, because he just outdid himself.
I bet you can spin that out into 1,500 words a week and maybe a radio show or something.

Bob M. said...

zac, you are on a roll, and as we all learned this year, when you have a chance to achieve true all-time greatness, go for it. The NE fans you are kicking wouldn't dream of asking you to let up; it would disrespect the game.

zac said...

I think that has potential. We need to explore the potential of that idea here, really explore the studio space.

zac said...

I think patsrule just got his brains eaten.

PatsRule said...

"I think patsrule just got his brains eaten."
Hardly. I know how to spell "allegedly," unlike yourself.
Anyway, gotta go. Nice hanging with the other side for a while — makes me appreciate my riches even more.
After the Pats go 19-0, I have another glorious season of the World Champion Red Sox to look forward to. Good times!

zac said...

How many times do you think patsrule put "allegedly," in the spell check on his Word document before it came out correctly?

The over/under is 5.5, I would like to hear what your guesses are.

Also, this is coming from a guy that said the Pats "decimated" the Chargers. Did you reduce them by a factor of ten? Did you destroy a large number of them?

It is interesting because you could have used the word to describe how the Chargers have been "decimated by injuries." That certainly would have fit better than your awkward turn of phrase.

See, I can nitpick too!

JC said...

WHOA!

While out looking for a re-up of steroids, I apparently missed some good, solid, totally pointless banter.

My specialty!

Moss is shady, granted. Like........c'mon. Who even gets hit with restraining orders besides me? At least when I smack a girl, I cop some criminal charges too.

No seriously, the LG Voyager is totally sick. For those of you with Verizon.

Then again - #18 doesn't endorse them so you probably all have Sprint, which sucks.

And DZ:

I'm not REALLY as crass, masogynistic (no spell check and probably wrong), insensitive, sexist and racist as I pretend to be.

I'm far worse.

Pitchers and catchers right around the corner.........

JC said...

No but being seriously serious, not fake serious, all teams have drunk belligerent fans - including us.

We might be a little more loopy then most.....but maybe not.

I mean - I got punched in Yankee Stadium in 2003 after a kid called me "Donny Wahlberg". Those MF'ers certainly aren't welcoming down there in the BX.

Eagle fans? Are you kidding me?

Raider Fans?

When you have a team that represents a six-state region and has roots in FL and the West Side - you'll have a larger and, subsequently, more obnoxious fanbase.

What seperates fans like me from the guys that beat up the dude in a Jags jersey at Gillette is that I'd rather throw one-liners than punches.

Until I'm off probation at least.

Anonymous said...

bob,

I think you have to look at Pats/Sox fans in the context of their surroundings. If you had to look at "the dig" every day and realize how incredibly incompetent and corrupt your govt is, it would make you cranky, too. Their legislature's leadership serves as a front for organized crime. Mass citizens can't even remove their incompetents from office when they leave their mistresses to drown.

Even the ones who started out sane would become grouchy and a little addled in that environment.